


armed with a plethora of insecurities, we keep each other amused

by addendum



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, Suicide mention, this mostly just super gay????
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-22 07:11:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10692264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/addendum/pseuds/addendum
Summary: Connor makes it up to his boyfriend after their first lover's quarrel.





	armed with a plethora of insecurities, we keep each other amused

Zoe Murphy heard a loud crash come from the room adjacent to her own, and she could tell now that Connor was awake. 

He'd been sound asleep all morning, but it seemed that now he had gotten out of bed and that he was, apparently, very upset. And everyone in the house had to know about it. 

While it was true that Connor was quite often very upset, there was something unique about today. Connor wasn't angry because his dealer was out of the good stuff, or because Jared Kleinman made some totally insensitive comment on his latest Instagram of the city skyline (although really, that kid was looking to get blocked pretty soon). Today, he was angry for a reason that was new, but still completely typical of an American teenager like himself. He'd gotten into a fight with his boyfriend. 

Now, objectively, Evan Hansen wasn't anything to write home about. He was a scrawny kid with bags under his eyes who jumped at his own shadow and loved to talk about trees. And, also objectively, he was pretty much a loser. But Evan Hansen had been born with the rare and remarkable ability to make Connor Murphy happy. 

When Evan was around, things weren't all that bad. When Evan was around, Connor could smile completely sober. As he'd disclosed to his therapist on a couple of very private occasions, Evan Hansen, to put it in the simplest of terms, made life worth living. 

But now Connor had gone and screwed everything up, and his whole body tense, riled up for a fight that wasn't coming. Last night the razors in his bathroom had begun to look pretty goddamn appealing, so working himself into a drunken stupor had been the only option. He peered through that haze now, blinking into the morning after's harsh sunlight. 

Connor threw open his bedroom door, letting it slam shut behind him. What time was it? Past noon? Whatever. It was Saturday, and he certainly wouldn't be going out today. No, the only thing on this afternoon's itinerary was sleep. And suicide maybe, who the hell knows? Anger festered in the pit of Connor's stomach, and it just so happened that the idea of hanging himself from his ceiling fan seemed a fitting method of coping. 

If Evan could peer into his boyfriend's thoughts, he would be horrified. Though there were times when Evan, too, indulged in fantasies of his own demise, his relationship with death had developed more abstractly. Something he caught glimpses of in nightmarish visions but could hide from when the sun came up, buried safely in Connor's neck. 

Connor thought of death as bloody and strident and final. And on mornings like this one, it didn't scare him at all. 

"Connor!" Zoe snapped from behind him now, peeking her head out from behind her own bedroom door. 

Connor came to a halt in the middle of the stairway, his broad shoulders tensing. Zoe liked to pick at him about things that didn't matter, like her life's ambition was to wash away his years of anger management, leaving nothing but a clean slate behind. 

"What?" Connor asked, contempt seeping into his words. He and Zoe were meant to be performing damage control on their relationship but fuck, that shit was hard! 

"If you don't get over yourself and apologize to Evan, I will personally kick your ass." Zoe said with finality, crossing her arms. 

"Stay the hell out of it, Zoe!" Connor said, leveling his voice to a place that was quiet, but deeply serious. 

"None of us understand why you're being so difficult!" Zoe replied without missing a beat, not at all intimidated.

"Who's 'us'?" 

"Me and Alana and Jared. You might know us better by our group name: The Evan Hansen Defense Squad." Zoe explained. 

"You guys are such condescending assholes! Evan can take care of himself." Connor countered. For someone who prided himself on being protective of Evan, he was still offended by the notion Zoe was implying. 

"You know it's not like that." Zoe said calmly. 

"We think he's a pussy, but we mean that in the nicest way possible." Jared piped up, appearing suddenly in Zoe's doorway. 

"Kleinman?" Connor asked incredulously. "You're in my house?" 

"Maybe you'd know that if you woke up before noon." Alana added, stepping out of the room to join them. 

"What is this?" Connor asked, vaguely disgusted by the entire situation. "The Murphy home for lowlifes?" 

"Don't be so mean, Connor!" Jared said indignantly, dropping his jaw in faux shock. "I'm gonna help you and Hansen work this thing out. Because if I don't my mom will cancel my trip to the Caribbean." 

Connor glared, unamused by the suggestion that Jared was merely using Evan as a means of getting to the beach next summer. 

"I kid, I kid!" Jared backpedaled, throwing his hands up in surrender. "I love Evan. Kind of. I mean my dick doesn't get as hard as yours does when he walks in a room but-" 

"Jared, just stop talking." Zoe said, cutting off his rambling before it became even more crass. And it would. 

Connor hoped the hallway was dimly lit enough that the others couldn't see how pink his cheeks were getting. Talking about Evan had that kind of effect on him. 

"Anyway, you need to apologize to Evan before this goes any further." Alana said, getting them all back on the topic at hand. "For real." 

Connor decided to give in, no longer trying to fight off their advances. If anyone wanted things with he and Evan to be okay, it was Connor. 

"I just don't want him to hate me, okay? I'm afraid that if I try to apologize, he'll reject it and everything will be even more of a mess." He confessed, trying not to whine. 

"Oh, stop it!" Zoe cried, annoyed as ever with her brother. "So you fucked up, big deal! Every relationship has ups and downs, it isn't the end of the world." 

"Evan already forgives you, Connor." Alana said sympathetically. "He just wants an apology. A heartfelt apology." 

Connor groaned at the prospect. He felt so shitty about what had happened, and he really didn't want to relive it. 

It happened yesterday afternoon, while Connor and Evan were sitting together under the tree. Their tree. Evan had been talking about school, and about their upcoming exams, and how stressful those things could be for him. 

"Sometimes it's just so much pressure, Connor!" Evan had said after a few minutes of venting. Connor had rolled his eyes. 

"Don't be such a baby! It's not that big of deal." He said. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he knew they were a mistake. 

Evan's shoulders sunk, and he'd shifted his eyes away from Connors. Shit, why did he do that? He'd been making so sure his mood swings didn't hurt Evan, and now he screwed up. 

"Wait, I'm sorry!" He exclaimed, but Evan was already standing up. 

"It's okay, Connor. I get it." Evan had said, smiling apologetically. The smile was the thing that stung. He cringed at the memory. No wonder Evan hadn't texted him since. 

"Evan misses you, Connor." Alana said. "Don't you miss him too?" 

"Of course!" 

"Are you guys serious?" Jared asked incredulously, raising an eyebrow. "It's been less than 24 hours." 

"Fuck off, Jared." Alana said somewhat uncharacteristically. 

As Jared opened his mouth to respond, Zoe brought a finger to his lips, silencing him and saving them all some annoyance.

"Do you have any ideas, Connor?" She asked. "For what you can do for Evan?" 

Connor almost said no automatically, because he was famously inept when it came to matters of romance. But then he remembered that there was that one stupid idea he had. He'd kind of been saving it for Valentine's Day, but he guessed now was as good a time as ever. 

"Yeah, I think I might have something." 

•••

"This seriously isn't necessary, you guys." Evan insisted for the millionth time as Zoe pulled into the orchard. "A text would have been just fine." 

"He wanted to woo you, Evan!" Jared explained from where he and Alana sat in the backseat. 

"Uh, remind me again why you're here?" 

"We're getting ice cream afterwards!" Alana said, grinning. 

"Go get you your man, Ev." Zoe said, bringing the car to a stop. 

"You guys aren't gonna stay here, are you?" Evan asked nervously, getting out the vehicle. 

"Ugh! We don't need to watch you guys fu-!" 

Evan slammed the door before he could finish. 

"Babe?" Connor called from a few feet away, where he was standing under their tree. The sun had already set, and he squinted against the darkness. 

"Hey, Connor." Evan replied. "I'm really sorry about all this! I didn't mean to make such a big deal out of nothing, I swear!" 

"Don't apologize!" Connor said back hurriedly, grabbing both of Evan's hands in his own. "I was an asshole, and you don't deserve that. Cause you're like, my favorite person in the world. I'm sorry." 

"It's fine, Connor." Evan said, leaning in for a hug. Connor held him tight, rubbing his lower back with a gentle hand.

"I love you so goddamn much, Evan. Okay?" Connor whispered. 

"I know. I love you too." 

Connor stood back from the hug after a moment, pressing the button in his palm. The tree behind them lit up, revealing the Christmas lights he'd tangled haphazardly among the leaves. 

"Oh!" Evan said cutely, his face now illuminated. "They're beautiful!" 

"This was my idea, you know. Not Zoe's or Alana's. I thought you'd like it." Connor said, smiling. 

"I do!" Evan cried. 

He pulled Connor into a kiss, rough and sloppy. Connor happily obliged, yanking Evan in by the hips with a startled moan. Evan deepened the kiss, letting his need be known. He pulled away only so he could speak again. 

"This is the sweetest thing I've ever seen, Connor." He said, a little embarrassed by how much he could not stop grinning. 

"Sweet?" Connor asked. "You can't call me that, baby! I've got a reputation to maintain." 

Evan shoved Connor playfully, still smiling. 

"Whatever, you asshole." 

"Why'd you stop the kissing?" Connor teased. "I really liked where that was going." 

"And where, exactly, do you think it was going?" Evan asked with a smirk. "We're in public, Connor!" 

"Come on, it's not like anyone is ever out here but us..." 

"Connor Murphy!" Evan scolded, looking totally scandalized. "Are you suggesting what I think you are?" 

Connor shrugged coyly, pulling Evan in for another kiss.


End file.
